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God love the French....

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  • God love the French....

    Subject: French Military History


    IT JUST GETS WORSE: HERE'S A COMPLETE SYNOPSIS OF FRENCH MILITARY HISTORY. PERHAPS THIS WILL HELP US UNDERSTAND.... Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians. Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots. Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her. War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux. The Dutch War - Tied. War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War -Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power. War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since. American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting." French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French. The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer. The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunken teenager to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night. World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by Britain & the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by Allied forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline. World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the Allies just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song. War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu. Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux. War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to the Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's. . . . . and there one would appear to have it in le thimble so to speak!
    Experienced Community organizer. Yeah, let's choose him to run the free world. It will be historic. What could possibly go wrong...

    "You're just a jaded cynical mother****er...." Jeffpeg

    (more comments in my User Profile)
    russbo.com



  • #2
    Just as a reminder, this is European French wars, the French-Canadians are the largest group of Francophones not to surrender to Germany in WW2 (or to anyone for that matter).

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    • #3
      Yeah, but that's Canada, man. CANADA.

      Beside, this only confirms what the english have always known- the french suck. Why rub it in?
      "Be Cool" - Lao Tzu

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      • #4
        This is maybe a reason why God loves the French.....
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        Don’t take life too serious, as you won’t get out of it alive anyway.

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        • #5
          Hmmm, you may have a point there cheye. But britain has been french (well norman, who were leftover descendents of vikings mixed with local gauls) since 1066. However, they are still understandably in denial.
          Show me a man who has forgotten words, so that I can have a word with him.

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          • #6
            Not sure the Lipster's gonna be happy with that.
            Experienced Community organizer. Yeah, let's choose him to run the free world. It will be historic. What could possibly go wrong...

            "You're just a jaded cynical mother****er...." Jeffpeg

            (more comments in my User Profile)
            russbo.com


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