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The Birth of Liberals and Conservatives

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  • The Birth of Liberals and Conservatives

    The division of the human family into its two distinct branches occurred some 10,000 years ago, a few hundred years after the flood. Humans coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.

    In the pivotal event of societal evolution, beer was invented. This epochal innovation was both the foundation of modern civilization and the occasion of the great bifurcation of humanity into its two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

    Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle or aluminum can had yet been invented, so it was necessary to stick pretty close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

    Some men spent their days killing animals to barbecue at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of the conservative movement.

    Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned how to live off conservatives by showing up for the BBQs every night and doing women's work like sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement. Later, some of the liberals actually became women.

    Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, invention of group therapy and democratic voting to see how to divide the beer and meat that the conservatives provided. Women were not interested in democracy at that time because most of them were still women back then, and the conservatives fed them.

    Conservatives are symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

    Modern Liberals like imported beer (they add lime), but most prefer white wine or foreign water in a bottle. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are on liberal menus. Their women have more testosterone than the men. Liberals like deviant sex and want others to like it too. Their first successful city governments were Sodom and Gomorra.

    Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, and group Therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in baseball because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

    Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat, and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, golf players, rodeo cowboys, lumber jacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

    Conservatives believe in self defense, both at home and abroad. They own guns and use them to discourage liberals and other common criminals. They provide guns to the armed forces to discourage foreign liberals and other foreign criminals.

    The American cowboy, of course, is your basic, full-bore Conservative. A hundred years ago, an Englishman visiting Texas was attempting to find the owner of a huge cattle ranch. He rode up to one of the ranch hands, and inquired, "Pardon me, but could you perhaps tell me where I might locate your master?" To which the cowboy replied, "That sumbitch ain't been born yet".
    Experienced Community organizer. Yeah, let's choose him to run the free world. It will be historic. What could possibly go wrong...

    "You're just a jaded cynical mother****er...." Jeffpeg

    (more comments in my User Profile)
    russbo.com



  • #2
    Staunch Conservatives

    "Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'"
    -Jack Handy

    "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
    -Frank Sinatra

    "A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her."
    -W.C. Fields

    "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
    -Henny Youngman

    "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not!"
    -Stephen Wright

    "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
    - Brian O'Rourke

    "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    -Benjamin Franklin

    "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
    -Dave Barry

    "There is nothing which has been contrived by man by which so much happiness has been produced as by a good tavern or inn."
    -Samuel Johnson.

    Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 400 B.C.!

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    • #3
      doc did you make that up yourself or was it from an unidentified reliable source in the Whitehouse?
      Nothing is more frightening than ignorance in action - Goethe

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      • #4
        An unidentifiable source. Reliable? Who knows. The veracity of which I cannot support.
        Experienced Community organizer. Yeah, let's choose him to run the free world. It will be historic. What could possibly go wrong...

        "You're just a jaded cynical mother****er...." Jeffpeg

        (more comments in my User Profile)
        russbo.com


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