Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

From the Yu've got to be kidding!

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • From the Yu've got to be kidding!

    It's once again time to review the winners of the annual Stella awards.
    The Stella's are named after 81 year old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds . That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States. Unfortunately the most recent lawsuit implicating McDonalds, the teens who allege that eating at McDonalds has made them fat, was filed after the 2002 award voting was closed. This suit will top the 2003 awards list without question.

    5th place (Tied).
    Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving toddler was Ms Robertson's Son.

    5th place (Tied).
    19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently did not notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal the hubcaps.

    5th place (Tied).
    Terrence Dickson of Bristol Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He could not reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family were on vacation and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for 8 days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The Jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

    4th place.
    Jerry Williams of Little Rock Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's Beagle dog. The Beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been a little provoked at the time as Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

    3rd place.
    A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone) The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

    2nd place.
    Kara Walton of Claymont Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out two of her front teeth. This occurred whilst Ms. Walton was trying to crawl through the window in the Ladies Room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

    1st Place.
    This year's runaway winner was Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new Winnebago Motor Home. On his trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the Freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly the RV left the Freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him that in the owner's manual that he could not actually do
    this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new Winnebago Motor Home. The
    company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles.

    "Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us" --Bill Watterson, American Cartoonist.

  • #2
    Unbelievable...
    Amithaba

    Comment


    • #3
      Doc, you may wantah swing by Australia & hang out on campus, or be a guest lecturer! How to deal with wandering hands, by Dr. Richard Russell.



      College Offers Degree In Stripping
      Thursday January 30, 2003
      By ANGUS FENWICK

      QUEENSLAND, Australia -- If you're a comely co-ed who loves to shake her booty, here's good news -- now you can get a college degree in stripping!

      "Stripping is one of the most timeless art forms," boasts Professor Jean Floogle, who teaches Erotic Dancing at prestigious Griffith University. "It's a powerful form of expression, just like art, music or writing. "Colleges teach courses in all those other creative subjects, so I figured why not stripping."

      In order to receive their B.S.A. Bachelor of Sexual Arts, degree, students must pass a curriculum including such courses as:

      Lap Dancing
      Pole Dancing
      Bump-and-Grind
      Marketing
      Finance & Investing
      Consumer Relations
      Costume Selection
      Hair and Makeup
      Bartending

      The school's catalog explains the reason for offering the unorthodox degree program is "to expose students to the unique merits of stripping, and at the same time, address both the moral and political issues associated with adult entertainment."

      Floogle, who is a former exotic dancer herself, says her curriculum covers the whole spectrum of the stripping experience.

      "It's not just about bumping and grinding. "The students also learn such essentials as when to get breast implants, how to maximize your earning potential and how to stop a customer who's got wandering hands."

      "At first I was afraid to get up on the stage, let alone take off my clothes," says student Mandy Fleisher. "But by the time I had earned my degree, I was al- ready dancing a few nights a week at a local strip club. Now I'm making $1,000 a week!"

      Floogle says many of her students go on to earn big bucks as professional strippers upon graduation. "These girls are pulling in $50,000 to $100,000 a year as erotic dancers -- tax-free.

      "A degree in stripping is the smartest career decision a gal can make. Instead of sitting behind a desk all day for $300 a week, a stripper can earn that in just a few hours by dancing. Everyone thinks businesswomen are smart, but strippers are the ones with the real brains.

      "Strippers can make as much money as doctors or lawyers, just by shaking their butts."

      The school has received some protests, but the course will remain in the curriculum. Dean Aubrey Sanderson explains, "We're blazing new trails here. Soon you'll see lots of other schools following our lead. We're taking education into the new millennium, one lap dance at a time."

      Comment


      • #4
        Damn..

        I must know a bunch of girls with PhD's in that..
        I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed.
        "Life can keep providing the rain and I'll keep providing the parade."
        "I would just like to say that after all these years of heavy drinking, bright lights and late nights, I still don't need glasses. I drink right out of the bottle."
        "Whatever guy said that money don't buy you pleasure didn't know where to go shopping"

        Comment


        • #5
          BOGUS!!!

          From the real Stella Awards website:


          "May it please the court: Many stories are going around the 'net saying they are "The Stella Awards". Many of these stories are false, made-up, or (sometimes) true stories with false elements added to them. It makes no sense to use false examples of real problems when there are so many true examples that illustrate the actual problem. "


          All the stories above are fabricated and bogus according to the them.

          May it Please the Court: Many stories are going around the ’net saying they are “The Stella Awards”. Most of these stories are completely made up — you know, lies! It makes no sense to use false examples of real problems when there are so many true examples that illustrate the actual problem. The sad ... Read more



          The junk email you got that from is over 3 years old.....
          Last edited by Steve; 06-05-2004, 10:08 AM.
          I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed.
          "Life can keep providing the rain and I'll keep providing the parade."
          "I would just like to say that after all these years of heavy drinking, bright lights and late nights, I still don't need glasses. I drink right out of the bottle."
          "Whatever guy said that money don't buy you pleasure didn't know where to go shopping"

          Comment


          • #6
            Steve, maybe we can become visiting professors...
            Experienced Community organizer. Yeah, let's choose him to run the free world. It will be historic. What could possibly go wrong...

            "You're just a jaded cynical mother****er...." Jeffpeg

            (more comments in my User Profile)
            russbo.com


            Comment


            • #7
              sure..

              We deserve honorary degrees and write the next set of text books.
              I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed.
              "Life can keep providing the rain and I'll keep providing the parade."
              "I would just like to say that after all these years of heavy drinking, bright lights and late nights, I still don't need glasses. I drink right out of the bottle."
              "Whatever guy said that money don't buy you pleasure didn't know where to go shopping"

              Comment


              • #8
                Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.

                DORMITORY:
                When you rearrange the letters:
                DIRTY ROOM

                PRESBYTERIAN:
                When you rearrange the letters:
                BEST IN PRAYER



                DESPERATION:
                When you rearrange the letters:
                A ROPE ENDS IT

                GEORGE BUSH:
                When you rearrange the letters:
                HE BUGS GORE



                THE MORSE CODE:
                When you rearrange the letters:
                HERE COME DOTS

                SLOT MACHINES:
                When you rearrange the letters:
                CASH LOST IN ME



                ANIMOSITY:
                When you rearrange the letters:
                IS NO AMITY



                MOTHER-IN-LAW:
                When you rearrange the letters:
                WOMAN HITLER

                SNOOZE ALARMS:
                When you rearrange the letters:
                ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S



                A DECIMAL POINT:
                When you rearrange the letters:
                IM A DOT IN PLACE

                THE EARTHQUAKES:
                When you rearrange the letters:
                THAT QUEER SHAKE



                ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
                When you rearrange the letters:
                TWELVE PLUS ONE


                AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:


                PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
                When you rearrange the letters
                (With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
                TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS


                Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Yea, I got this from a friend of mine, who is a very true Clinton hater. He defines the term, lol.
                  Experienced Community organizer. Yeah, let's choose him to run the free world. It will be historic. What could possibly go wrong...

                  "You're just a jaded cynical mother****er...." Jeffpeg

                  (more comments in my User Profile)
                  russbo.com


                  Comment


                  • #10
                    i like "woman hitler".

                    Comment

                    Working...
                    X