View Full Version : Illegal Immigration

09-08-2006, 06:40 PM
No, we're not talking about "monks" who break their contracts and enter into bullshit marriages just so that they can stay in the country. Haven't we seen enough of that. This is, well, different....

The Honorable Edward M. Kennedy
317 Russell Senate Building
Washington D.C. 20510

Dear Senator Kennedy,

As a native of Massachusetts and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Immigration and Naturalization Service in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My reasons for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stem from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, what I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years.

I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out. Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of the last five years taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent return for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005 and I estimated a gross savings approximating $72,000. After the fine this would yield me a net savings of $70,000. In addition, I would reap the other benefits of being an illegal alien such as free healthcare, avoidance of paying Social Security taxes, buying automobile insurance, serving on jury panels, etc.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,

09-08-2006, 07:16 PM
I like the "excellent customer of the IRS" part, but he loses me after there. I'm willing to bet 99% of illegal immigrants would gladly pay income taxes in return for citizenship. They don't get that chance, which is why they stay in the country illegally rather than legally. When he says, "retroactively", he really means, "without the hassle of wondering every morning whether I'm going to be deported today, for five years".

And later on the guy just stops making sense altogether...

In addition, I would reap the other benefits of being an illegal alien such as free healthcare...
...buying automobile insurance...
Because illegal aliens of course don't get in trouble for driving uninsured like the rest of us...
....[not] serving on jury panels, etc.
Don't register to vote and you don't have to deal with jury duty. Problem solved.

But why sacrifice your right to vote when you can just revoke your citizenship altogether? The founding fathers would be proud.

....That said, the bill as he presents it is overwhelmingly stupid. "Congratulations, Miguel Castellon! You've managed to dodge us for a full five years! You've won the grand prize of U.S. citizenship! Thanks for playing!"

09-09-2006, 03:04 AM
Ah, well, the difference between living in Las Vegas and Pennsylvania....

Well, down here, the illegals do get free health care (I've given it to them in the past, as does everyone else in my profession). They show up in hospital ER's, and they have to be treated. Forget about insurance and billing them. They "disappear" quite easily, as they move from one friend's house to another quite frequently. As for insurance, there's plenty of horror stories of illegals hitting people with insurance. What can you do with them? Can't put them in jail, and, again, they "disappear". It's one reason why Uninsurad Motorist insurance is so big out here, and, why we have to carry large limits on it (and, for the well to do, umbrella policies to help support it).

It's a mess down here in the southwest. It's gonna be the same up there one day. Vegas is now officially 25% Mexican. That's an official count, which doesn't count the "uncounted".

09-09-2006, 07:06 AM
Heh. Visit Santa Maria someday.

09-09-2006, 07:13 AM
I wouldn't.

I'm white.

I'd stick out WAY too much.

09-11-2006, 06:24 PM
Well really, anyone can disappear like that, if they want to risk it. This guy makes it seem like it's some sort of secret ability exclusive to illegal immigrants (although I'm sure they've gotten better at it than most). All the more reason to make them "official", in my opinion.

09-11-2006, 06:33 PM
Zachsan, you're all for opening the borders and letting them all come in? Granted, they do provide a service that the rest of us lazy Americans can't be bothered doing, uh, that is, work. Guess we're all gonna have to learn Spanish. You know, if you go to Home Depot here in the southwest, just about everything is packaged bilingually. Sad.

09-11-2006, 10:07 PM
it's like that in canada too but in french...****ing french immigrants

09-11-2006, 10:58 PM
Yeah, I'm for opening the borders considerably.... good for the economy, good for immigrants, good for insurance companies (since we're talking about it), bad for nearby communists and the like. Not that I see it as the most important issue on the country's plate at the moment; it seems like everyone just spontaneously decided to start talking about it again with no provocation a few months ago.

But suffice it to say I can't really figure out in what way bilingual packaging is sad, and I just might be the only person on this forum who's not multilingual.

09-12-2006, 02:19 AM
Well, I'm for opening the borders too.

At least for today. My backyard is a mess.

09-12-2006, 02:36 AM
No one enters the Russbo Backyard, maybe we should protect the borders with Mickey's Poop.