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Thread: Future In-Laws

  1. #1
    overlook is offline Registered Member: no custom title Registered Member
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    Future In-Laws

    Hey gang,

    I need some insight from everybody here. My girlfriend's family is driving me crazy. The are so materialistic and consumed with status. They hate ford escorts, but if you put a mercedes label on it, all of a sudden they would buy it. They are the type of people that would love their daughter more if she was a lawyer, rather than what she wanted to be. They would rather hear about a sale at the mall, i bet that they don't even know that we are at war right now with iraq. They are generous to me and stuff, but they just get under my skin. They are always talking about people behind their backs. My girlfriend is also of another race than me, and sometimes i get the feeling they would like me more if I shared the same race. If i marry my girlfriend I can just hear them behind my back talking about how i don't have a high paying job. I really love my girlfriend, i've been with her for 3 years.

    How can i deal with this stuff. I know a lot of people don't like their inlaws but i need held. I don't want them to get to me, but they truly do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

    Thanks

  2. #2
    You marry the girl, you marry the family. That be the way it be.

    Can you be more specific about a few things, if you don't mind? What do the parents do? How successful are they? And, since you brought up the race issue, what are we talking about here? And, how about some age information about you and your girlfriend.
    Experienced Community organizer. Yeah, let's choose him to run the free world. It will be historic. What could possibly go wrong...

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  3. #3
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    i bet they know we're at work with iraq.

    just pretend it's a sitcom and it'll just start being funny instead of depressing.

    - zach

  4. #4
    overlook is offline Registered Member: no custom title Registered Member
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    Her dad is an architect and her mom works at a medical lab. Me and my girlfriend are both 22. My girlfriend is Filipino and I am your standard white american.

  5. #5
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    war. war, not work. we're at war with iraq, we're not at work with iraq. oops.

    - zach

  6. #6
    You're only 22 and you want to get married? To a 22 year old girl?

    In my mind, according to the "Doc rules on getting married", your future wife hasn't been born yet.

    Oh, enough of my dribble, let's get down to your business.

    This is fairly typical. In today's world, with the ever increasing mixing of races, ethnicities, and nationalities, this seems to be an prevalent thing. Also, if her parents came from the Phillipines, I can understand their obsession with increasing wealth. Or, wanting her daughter to have more wealth. Many of these people, first and second generation, that originated in Asia, seem to be money oriented. And, for good reason. They didn't have much where they used to be. Also, their perception of America, and what you can get from it, seems to be a bit warped. I see it now that I'm taking care of Shi Xing Wei. We have a bunch of his friends, and his family, thinking that he's making all sorts of money, now that he's in America. Common thing. America the land of the wealthy. Come take a bite. Share it with us. What you're experiencing with her family is, in my opinion, to be expected.

    As far as what to do about it, I suggest that over time, things will change. Once they see you taking good care of her, they'll settle down. You might be dealing with parents who have unrealistic expectations. These expectations may or may not change as they get older. Inlaws can be a fun part of marriage, they can also be a nightmare.

    There is one solution, if you do decide to marry her. And that is, move away from the inlaws. Try to keep your lives separate. If your girlfriend wants to live next door to mom, you're looking for trouble. Regardless of race, nationality or religious differences. I'm a firm believer that, once you get married, stay in touch with the inlaws, but, start your own life. Too often the parents want to control what their children are doing, both before and after marriage. I think that this causes too much difficulty. But, since she is Asian, and, no doubt, takes part in that very admirable family oriented society, I doubt that the inlaws are going to be far away once your married.

    My advice?

    When in doubt, do nothing. Give it time, see where it goes. You're young, there is no rush to jump into marriage.
    Experienced Community organizer. Yeah, let's choose him to run the free world. It will be historic. What could possibly go wrong...

    "You're just a jaded cynical mother****er...." Jeffpeg

    (more comments in my User Profile)
    russbo.com



  7. #7
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    hey doc, my mom was 17 when she married my dad who was like 19 or 20 and they are still happily married.

  8. #8
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    Good advice Doc. Give it time. Don't worry about it now. They will change once they see how well you take care of her. Not just in money. But in caring for her and keeping her happy. That's what they want for her. They are just afraid you may not be able to do that. So they want a really wealthy person to be there for her, so they are sure of it. But they don't see that their daughter and you can be quite happy with a normal job and lifestyle. They will see and I'm sure they will change after they get to know that. For right now, don't let it get to you. It's just them wanting the best for their daughter, not actually that they don't approve of you. I'm sure they like you just fine. Just really want to protect their daughter's future. That's how they are. It will change, don't worry about it.

    Also, the Phillipines aren't exactly what I'd call "asian". Though they are over there. They are still very different. They are like the Mexicans of asia. Mexicans are American, North American. But they are much different than United States people. Same in asia. Phillipines are much different. So you can't look at them the same way as you do Chinese/Korean/Japanese ect. If you want to know how they really are without travelling that far, take a trip to Mexico. Same thing..

    A mi tuo Fo
    -Xing Jian

  9. #9
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    LMAO!!! So you wantah marry a Filipina? Good luck with that! Oh you are in for some FUN times! I say this because I've been happily married to 1 for 11 years now. If you can get through the 1st 5 years it should be smooth sailing!

    Now I had traveled though a lot of Asia before I landed in Philippines & got married there. I have been there 5 times so far. I have extensively studied their history & culture & while I can't speak the language I've found I understand a far more than the average white guy married to a Filipina. In short I'm pretty accepting of their ways & culture. The big thing for my wife was a guy who could get along well with her family.

    Filipinos are VERY social; there are always family & friends around! There is the immediate family & then the extended family. I don't want to know how we're related to some people it's just too complex sometimes; basically assume that all Filipinos are related & that eventually they are all going to stay at your house for an indefinite amount of time! They have no concept of over staying a welcome because they expect you to do the exact same thing at their place. 50 Filipinos living in a 1 room nippa hut, to them, that's a party. You can fight it but you're only butting your head against a wall…or alienating family. Eventually you'll carve out pieces of space for yourself.

  10. #10
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    CROSS CULTURAL FUN & GAMES: THE YEAR MY IN-LAWS CAME TO VISIT

    My wife wanted to be a hero now that she was in Canada, & a "dollar earner", her sister in New York had always been the one lavishing gifts on everyone back home so my wife wanted to bring her parents to Toronto to live with us for 6 months then in New York for 6 months. Ah, the best laid plans of mice & men. So I buy a round trip ticket from Manila to T.O. & back and all goes well. Before I got married I bought a 2 bedroom townhouse, great for 2 but can get crowded with 4, my office is in the guest room, I had no place to hide!

    Every so often my father-in-law complains of a toothache, but hey no self-respecting Filipino goes to a dentist! You tie a threat around the tooth and then to a doorknob and slam the door! (Think I’m kidding?)

    Now my mother-in-law loves to grocery shop. She doesn’t move too fast, with diabetes her feet are slow. She can spend 3 hours tottering around checking out all the new products and price checking and buying stuff to see what it’s like. Her husband finds a bench and plants himself. My wife sent her mother for toilet paper once, told her the exact type she wanted. But that was too expensive so Mom bought the 1 ply recycled sandpaper; my wife was not amused. Hey what did Mom know? Filipinos don’t use toilet paper they use a cup of water--don’t ask me how. Dad liked shopping with me, 20 min’s in & out.

    Logow(sp?) for dinner again, rice porridge with fish sauce, mmmmm…blah! Yes his tooth was bothering him again so logow is all Dad would eat for a week until it felt better again.

    It was the year my company went out on strike. Good time for the in-laws to head to New York to live with their elder daughter, no work, no money coming in (my wife has a decent job but still doesn’t make half of what I do). Oh no-no-no! Won’t hear of it! Family must stick together, never mind if it just doubled and the money disappeared! The more I protested & tried to logically explain the situation the more they laughed at me. Hey I’m the head of the house, stop laughing!
    Mom: "Don’t worry God will look after us."
    Me: "Well I must be God then because I’m the one looking after you!"
    Mom: "Yes, you are his instrument."
    Five weeks later I was blissfully back at work.

    Dad sat on floor watching "Walker, Texas Ranger", hour after hour. Worrying away inside his mouth. "Ah! No more!" he said triumphantly, and held the troublesome tooth up between his thumb & finger.

    Six months have passed, time to renew their visitors visa, time for a medical check up. Dad, no problem. Mom however is a diabetic so they can’t do her blood work a that clinic we had to go someplace else, and pay for it, oh and her chest x-ray shows she has tuberculosis! So much for going to New York. I had them insured; most Filipinos don’t waste money on such things, that’s in Gods hands! So I submitted a claim for all the tests and they said no, then they decided yes and paid me back some money.

    Mom took over the kitchen. Fine as long as she’s cooking Filipino food, I banded her from ever cooking Canadian food again. Never eat Filipino spaghetti! Sometimes it’s just ketchup & hotdogs, other times they add sugar to the sauce and always leave the grease after cooking the hamburger! Once she attempted to cook me a steak. After serving me something I used to resole my boot I taught her how to cook a steak, that depending on the thickness it only took 10 min’s each side. A week later she attempted it again & I was able to resole my other boot. I asked her how long she had cooked it. She replied, “20 min’s each side; it didn’t look done after 10.”

    Did I mention they are very Catholic & I’m not!? They love Bill Cosby. So I had a Cosby tape I popped it in 1 day & cranked up the volume so they could hear it. Cos is going on about Noah building the ark and his conversation with God. Mom’s not saying anything, not a chuckle, not a smile. Can she hear it? She must the neighbours could hear it. Finally she lets out: "He’s mocking the lord! No wonder his son was taken from him." I grit my teeth and bit my tongue, if I spoke I’d end up divorced, cursed and other things I didn’t need, so I left.

    Every couple of weeks we go to the tuberculosis specialist for expensive pills, but because he da man for the city on immigrant chest patients he sells directly to me whole sale. The 1st time we met we sit down in his office he just looks from 1 to the other: a young white guy & and 70 yr. old Asian women. "Well you 2 make an interesting pair!" So explained she was my mother-in-law. Her case was non-contagious but if her immune system broke down she could become contagious, so he prescribed pills to kill it over several months. No alcohol, no more wine at dinner, even when she finally did go home no more drinking tuba (palm wine) with the hired hands at the rice farm! Well ‘til she finished the pills at any rate.

    In the mean time I taught Mom all kinds of stuff she never knew before. You’ve heard of ignorant peasants? Well you just don’t truly appreciate that until you meet them. Not stupid people by any far stretch of the imagination! Both were teachers, Dad retired as minister of education for the province, Mom has a Masters of music & was head of the arts dept. for the provincial school board. But they lived in a very small world and knew next to nothing about the rest of the planet. Now Dad seemed to know a little more, but I spent and interesting afternoon going over maps teaching where all these different countries actually were! And at the museum learning that such gigantic creatures as dinosaurs once existed. Dad was bored out of his mind, especially during winter when they wouldn’t go out unless absolutely necessary just watched TV. Now this wasn’t their first time in North America or even with snow. They had both been to Canada twice before (in summer) and lived for extended periods in New York. But I knew Dad couldn’t wait to go home.

    On top of everything else Mom doesn’t hear worth a damn, especially on the phone, I forbade her to answer the phone too, but of course she did any way. Some nurse called her one day, while I was out, about her tuberculosis & wanted my mother-in-law to be on some television show. She wasn’t interested on being interviewed and hung up. A couple of days later the woman called back and started arguing with my mother-in-law to the point where I took the phone a started telling this woman to go to hell--then I started listening to her, apologized and hung up the phone. It was the health dept. checking up. "No Mom, not TV, TB--tuberculosis!"

    They did get to spend a few months in New York (not as long as I would have liked). Mom LOVES to shop! Filipinos travel with huge boxes filled with what ever is "bargain", stuff you find in a $ store, or cases of Vienna sausage. “Don’t worry it’s all in Gods hands.” Oh how I remember that line, so I decided not to worry about it. They are my wife’s parents let her worry about how to get them and their 500 lb’s of stuff to and from the airport. And when the blessed day arrived that they went back to Philippines and they were grossly over weight and finally Mom was freaking out…I tried not smile too much, after all it was in Gods hands.

    In the end everything worked out. I survived, still married! Love my in-laws I get along with them quite well but I prefer them 10 thousand miles away, that’s where every ones in-laws should live.

    "Besides, it was the right thing to do. He'd read it somewhere: In any ethical situation, the thing you want least to do is probably the right action. Or something like that."
    -Larry Niven & Jerry Pournelle, “Lucifer's Hammer.”

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