Aiming Inaki

[liutangsanzang]

As giving birth was close, our baby died, strangled by the umbilical cord. It was a boy so he would have been Inaki or for his chinese name Aiming.

We tried used our sad feeling to extend understanding and compassion to all the children who die in the world, be it because of war, poverty, disease, in Africa, Israel, Palestine, Afghanistan, Kashmir, Irak, USA...

[onesp1ng]

not very clear. are you talking about your son, liu?

[liutangsanzang]

Yes that was our son

[onesp1ng]

then i'm so sorry to hear about this, liu. how r you doing?

you're always free to contact me if you'd like to talk. take care of yourself and your wife.

[doc]

Liu, a while back you asked me to describe suffering, in another thread.

It can't be described. I've seen it far too many times in other people's lives, and also in my own. It also can't be justified. It's something that happens, it's something that's part of life, and, it's something that's necessary. But it can't be described.

The only thing worse than losing a child, is losing a child that you know. Now that I'm a father, I kind of understand this. I spend many a night waking up, listening to my son's breathing, his snores, his grunts and groans, always wondering if he's ok. The lack of sleep triggers migraines that land me on my back. The worry causes suffering that at times is indescribable. But it's all part of the joy of having him. If anything ever happened to either him or his mother, I know it would destroy me. At least, for a while.

I'm truly sorry for your loss. No one can fully understand what you're going through. I've counseled unknown numbers of women who have suffered miscarriages; it's devastating, but they get over it, knowing that sometimes, a birth is just not meant to be. Usually miscarriages occur because of some defect, and in the long run, it's for the best. But to lose a child at birth, well, there's no explanation for that, especially when one loses a child due to such a relatively simple problem.

I know how you can get attached to a baby before it's born. I know what went through my mind the four weeks before Vanessa gave birth. It was especially bad because I've been involved medically with birth disasters. But fortunately for us, for the most part, it went well.

I can't imagine what you must be feeling at this time. But, remember one thing. And I don't say this in an attempt to minimize what you have lost. No one can possibly minimize what you have lost. It is deeply tragic and unfortunate. Remember that life goes on. Remember that right now, the most important thing for you is to be supportive to your wife. Remember that there will be future opportunities to have other children. Remember that however bad this pain is right now, it will pass into a memory. Five healthy and beautiful children later, and you will look back on this as a horrible event that you and your family have overcome.

[liutangsanzang]

Thanks for ur kind words doc.

At that time of my philosophical life i still try paradoxically to be without desire or aversion for joy or suffering. I think the ego attachement to the baby is kind of useless but there is a real loss considering the beauty he could have brought to the world. By not rejecting the suffering i try extend my feeling to all the dead kids and the suffering of their parents. I read that in Afghanistan the sanitary conditions are like France in 1300, that many a child die in their young age. To understand terrorism, suffering, economical reasons must be understood.

It is a mystery why he died. Some would look for medical reason, some would look for religious or mystical reasons. The day before he died strangled by the umbilical, i was drunk and suddenly became sad and wrote to my friends Yan and Yeshi how in the past the suffering of the world made me so sad and mad and how i wanted to die. That is just an objective fact i dont draw any conclusion. Also i noticed an earthquake happened in Italy. Inaki, the founder of the jesuits, lived in rome.

Anyway as u say life goes on and so does suffering, i will keep on meditating and acting to understand the causes of suffering and end them.

May he find rest, maybe he is in a better place now, i dont know, though in this line of thinking (which i dont want to be obsessed or attached to) why didn t he want to stay on this earth? Would he have suffered too much, like i did in some periods of my life?

I dont know, maybe it is just causes and effects, with no special reason...

Peace and love