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Arrival: The first few months

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  • #16
    Decheng historically would get up at five AM. And he'd go running, do some stretching, and do one to three forms. Usually for an hour or a bit more.

    But, he's kind of drifted to a seven or eight AM start now. We tend to stay up late, and he stays up with us. Either watching television, or working on his English. I usually spend about one to two hours a day working on his Engilsh (and me on my Chinese). We haven't trained together much, with the exception of some qi gong. I still have to get back on my feet here.

    He still works some forms every day. Does his stretching, does some kicks, does some meditation outside.

    Xingwei tends to work out in class. Sometimes he'll work out by himself in between classes, usually practicing some forms. He has really become a night animal; watches these black "in the hood" movies all night, gets up around eleven. Sometimes he'll get up at seven to go running, and then will return to crash for a few more hours. That got in the way of our English lessons together, so I put a stop to it.

    No doubt the workouts in the morning with Decheng will get more involved once I get better.
    Experienced Community organizer. Yeah, let's choose him to run the free world. It will be historic. What could possibly go wrong...

    "You're just a jaded cynical mother****er...." Jeffpeg

    (more comments in my User Profile)


    • #17
      doc you're killing me with this thread...
      "Arhat, I am your father..."
      -the Dark Lord Cod


      • #18
        Merry Christmas, and doc harbors terrorists...

        Twenty four hundred dollars.

        Now, just think what you could do with twenty four hundred dollars.

        For some people, that's a house payment. For others, rent for two apartments. Payments for a few cars. Or, one hell of a vacation.

        I can get by in Phuket for a month on twenty four hundred dollars. Or two to three months in China. And that includes a few girlfriends here and there.

        Twenty four hundred dollars.

        And it's not over. No, not by a long shot.

        It all started a while ago, when Xingwei first got here.

        I was trying to figure out the best way for a homesick monk to call home. So, I went to Chinatown, if you can call this amalgam of little **** Chinese shops, and restaurants that seem to go out of their way to poison my ass with loads of MSG, a "Chinatown". But, whenever we go down there, there are a lot of Chinese people milling about. And, the heatlh department, without fail, seems to have closed down at least one restaurant from time to time.

        So, to us, it's Chinatown.

        Found this little **** shop inside this so called mall in our beloved Chinatown. They sell VCD's and other Chinese **** that I don't seem to understand. Got all those favorite love and war stories, that we seem to watch in Dengfeng, China, all the time. Same story. Boy meets girl, girl falls in love with boy, girl meets someone else, boy gets heart broken. Girl doesn't give a flying ****.

        Why the **** I watch these reruns of my life on Chinese television is beyond me. What's also beyond me, is why I buy these VCD's of the same **** for Xingwei to watch on his little television.

        But there's another reason why I like going into this little Chinese store.

        There's a girl that works there. She's cute. She speaks English. She dresses sexy. And she has breasts.

        And she wants nothing to do with me.

        I just love that. I also love staring at her little brassiere through this see through blouse that she always seems to wear.

        Just to entice me. No doubt she wants to live one of these damn Chinese VCD love stories with me. Just waiting for the moment to drag me into her lair of love, and assassinate what little bit of loving compassion I've got in my war torn heart.

        So, every once in a while, after Xingwei gets tired of his "boy meets girl and gets his ****ing heart ripped out" love story VCD's, we go down to this little **** shop in this little **** Chinatown mall, that is, after we look around to see what restaurant the health department closed that week, and we visit my little Chinese honey, who wants absolutely nothing to do with me. I mentiioned that, didn't I?

        I just love talking to her.

        So, we buy VCD's, so Xingwei has something to do at night, and I buy Phone Cards, so Xingwei can call home to China at a rate of 1300 minutes, for, oh, about sixteen bucks. And, I tell Xingwei to "use Phone Card, do not use phone. Phone hen gwei".

        He understands. Use the phone card. And he does.

        And she pretends to like me. But, I know she doesn't. Nice bra today, by the way.

        The phone card thing is a great thing you know. It's a great system. I think the phone calls get routed through some cheap network in Pakistan. Got these Pakistani's plugging in phone cables. That is, when they're not making bombs. But, who cares. Xingwei gets to call home to China.

        And, to some unknown being in Korea.

        He's always calling Korea. Always. God knows who he's talking to in Korea, but he's always calling Korea.

        I'm starting to wonder if he's a spy for the North Koreans.

        Sending secrets from the doc palace.

        But anyway, old doc here got pretty damn sick these past two months. A severe allergic reaction to Advil left me on steroids for two months, steroids, which immunosuppressed me, and left me susceptible to catching this US wide influenza which seems to be going around.

        So, I stayed home. Tried to avoid people.Figured I'd stay healthy if I avoided the infected denizens of our society.

        Xingwei caught the flu from some little bastard at the school. Some five year old with the sniffles and a runny nose. Who no doubt, was blowing infected snot all over my school. And, all over Xingwei. Then, Xingwei lovingly brought the flu home for me to catch.

        Blew infected snot all over me.

        And I caught the flu.


        Got one hell of a bronchitis too. Twice, actually. I got really wiped out. On steroids, with the flu, with bronchitis.

        Talk about being ****ing miserable. Xingwei figured that out. My girlfriend didn't, so she left me. No doubt for some other guy who didn't have the flu.

        I think Xingwei might have left me too, but, he's got nowhere else to go.

        Now, Xingwei, who, I might add, had nowhere else to go, started spending his time on the phone. Calling, no doubt, his contacts in North Korea. Sending doc palace secrets to the North Koreans. Like, how I make my lasagna.

        Now, for a while we had thought that Xingwei was a spy. In fact, I was almost sure of it. One of my buddies at the FBI told me so.

        Yup. During lunch one day, he told me that I was harboring "bad people".

        Imagine that. Doc spends two years getting visas for two Shaolin monks, and word on the street says I'm bringing "bad people" to the US.


        At least, that's what the teacher at the martial arts school down the block told some of his clients. Police clients. Teaches them this self defense ****. You know, "stick your knee in the guy's groin and yell "AIEEEEEE'".

        The police pay good money for that.

        Anyhoo, this teacher told them that he never sees anyone at the Chan Wu Xue Yuan. Told them that I must have brought these Chinese "so called monks" to the US to do "bad things". Nefarious things. Spying and terrorist things.

        Because he never sees anyone at the school.

        ****ing idiot. I'm surrounded by low grade morons. At least, that's what I keep telling my mother.

        My mother, who keeps asking me how the monks are doing. On a daily basis. Because, she just absolutely loves them. More than me, I think.

        She also asks me, "Richard, are you sure they aren't spies for the Chinese?"

        "No mom, they're spies for the North Koreans. Trust me on this."

        "Oh, OK. As long as they're not spies for the Chinese...."

        Gotta love mom.

        Well, anyway, back to my low grade moron down the block. He never sees anyone at our school, because, we never see anyone at his. He teaches, his few students, largely in the morning.

        When Xingwei, Decheng, and I are sleeping. Yes, we sleep in, in the morning.

        Because we play computer video games late into the night. But, that's another story.

        We teach at night. And in the afternoons. And, we have more students than he does.

        But, let's face it, the Shaolin Chan Wu Xue Yuan is a front for Chinese spies. And, we're brainwashing all the little Chinese kids that come to learn there. It must be. That's what this instructor down the block told his police friends, who, told their FBI friends, who, came to investigate me.


        But anyway, I'll believe it. Hell, there must be some reason why Xingwei is on the phone to Korea. He's either passing on doc secrets to the North Koreans, or, he's got some babe up there that no one knows about.

        He's on the phone one hell of a lot.

        Especially since I started my long slow death on the couch.

        He just didn't want to bother me. So, he talked on the phone.

        And he never bothered to tell me that he ran out of phone cards.

        Twenty four hundred dollars.

        That was the phone bill.

        Yes, the phone bill. It included one two hour phone call to Korea that cost thirteen hundred dollars.

        Oh, that was the phone bill for last month. Still got twelve days of his phone usage to get billed for.

        God knows what that's going to be.

        But this month, we know what it is. Twenty four hundred dollars.

        Think about it. Put it into perspective. Really think about the economics of twenty four hundred dollars. What it really, truly means.

        One hundred and twenty lap dances.

        Oh, the pain. I'm dying a slow miserable death here.

        Oh, and I almost forgot.

        Merry Christmas.

        At this rate, it's going to be one hell of a New Year....
        Experienced Community organizer. Yeah, let's choose him to run the free world. It will be historic. What could possibly go wrong...

        "You're just a jaded cynical mother****er...." Jeffpeg

        (more comments in my User Profile)


        • #19
          OH my.. thats a whole lotta talkin'..

          you have to invest in your own phone company doc...

          think of the possibilities.

          practice wu de


          • #20
            I screwed up pretty good there...

            I was in the process of buying a second place to live. Well, not for me. For the monks.

            I called it the monk house.

            It wasn't really a house now, it was a condo, one that I had bought, without even seeing, back in September when I was still in Thailand. Rick and his uncle, a real estate agent, had found it for me. I wanted the monks to have a separate place to live. One in which other monks, who would be coming to visit us, could stay in.

            So, we started the process. It was only 125,000 dollars. Not too shabby, not a bad place for the monks and their friends. And our soon to start, visiting monks.

            But, it became a nightmare. The guy that was selling it was over his head in debt. In fact, he had to come up with six thousand dollars just to get out of it. The process took three months.

            It was sometime after Thanksgiving, during which time the monk house would have been a great thing to have, considering the fact that all these visiting monks slept in bunk beds in my dining room, that the purchase process was to come to an end. I went to the bank and got a 26000 dollar cashiers check, in order to make the necessary down payment. I carried it in my wallet, carefully, for about two weeks.

            But the monk house was not to be. There was too much bull**** involved with all the mortgage companies. All three of this seller's debtors were clamoring for a piece of the money. I decided to end the nonsense, and back out on the deal. Three months after we I made the initial offer.

            It was during one of my very usual thoughtless moments, that I found the check in my wallet. I thought to myself, that I need to do something with this before I lose it. Twenty six grand is a lot of money. I certainly didn't want to lose that piece of paper. God forbid someone find it and cash it. My money would be gone forever.

            So I took the check and shredded it.

            Sometime after that, I noticed that my bank account was twenty six thousand dollars lower than it should have been. I had just shredded, in effect, cash. Twenty six thousand dollars worth.

            Now, add that insult, to the twenty four hundred dollar ATT long distance phone bill, which, by the way, ATT refused to "re-rate" (yes, ten dollars a minute to Korea is MORE than fair. ****ing assholes...), and my finances, all around Christmas, were not the healthiest. Needless to say, I've got another ATT phone bill on the way. It all could get much worse.

            So, we spent the night looking through my shredder. And, over time, we found each and every piece of that damn check. And Tonya spent a few hours piecing it back together.

            Twenty six thousand dollars found.

            But Shi De Cheng was horribly confused. Why were we picking through the garbage? What was this piece of paper? What did it mean?

            I spent some time, and I explained to him that it was a cheque. A cheque, which was basically cash, worth twenty six thousand dollars.

            "Two thousand, six hundred dollars?", he inquired. I had just taught him numbers last week.

            "No, twenty thousand, six hundred, dollars."

            He looked at me in pure amazement. He had never seen twenty six thousand dollars in his life. He had never seen a shredder either. But, he understood it, once I showed him how it worked. What he didn't understand, was why I had shredded the twenty six hundred dollars in the first place.

            I looked at him,and said "Wo hen ben" (I'm very stupid).

            He disagreed. "Bu, ni tsung ming". (No, you're smart).

            I couldn't make him understand. So, I just kind of murmered to myself, "I ****ed up. As usual. Once again..."

            He responded, "****ed up? ****ed up shr me"?

            A new word. How exciting. He had been a veritable sponge of English since he's been here.

            "No, bad word. Bu hao tz. Ni bu shuo". (Don't say, bad word)

            "Ok". And he walked away back to his room.

            And I could hear him, ever so gently, as he walked away through the kitchen.

            "****ed up...."
            Experienced Community organizer. Yeah, let's choose him to run the free world. It will be historic. What could possibly go wrong...

            "You're just a jaded cynical mother****er...." Jeffpeg

            (more comments in my User Profile)


            • #21
              Heart and soul...

              I had no idea where the damn music was coming from.

              It was from my piano. A piano, a rather nice baby grand at that, one that I had bought for my fiance a long time ago.

              Can't remember when I last had a fiance. But, it was a long time ago. And, I had bought her a piano.

              Can't play the damn thing. But, it looks good in the house. Makes for a good teddy bear stand too.

              My friend Paul came out this last week and visited with us. Have known him since the third grade.

              Can't remember the third grade either. But, it was a long time ago. Back in the days when I thought about getting a fiance. But, not a piano.

              Paul plays the piano. Not very well, but, give him a few beers, and off he goes. Paul also does my accounting. And, handles my portfolio. Stocks, bonds, **** like that.

              What's left of it.

              So, this morning, when I woke up, around, oh, noon, all I could hear was "Heart and Soul" on the piano. And, Paul was gone. Left for New York earlier today.

              Heart and Soul. That's all I could hear. Mickey just kind of looked at me funny, and went back to sleep.

              Illness in the russbo clan

              The last few weeks have been pretty bad. I was in and out of the hospital with a damn allergic reaction to Advil for the past two months. All sorts of problems. Not fun, no, not at all. Decheng had tooth pain, something which I had to get taken care of. And Xingwei had leg pain, high up in his but, which was keeping him from teaching. Tonya broke her foot playing basketball with Xingwei. And we're still waiting for Steve and JT to come down with something other than pussy abuse.

              Decheng told me that he went to a Chinese dentist in Dengfeng. Had a root canal done, on his back lower molar. Supposedly had some pain back there for quite a while, so, he went to the dentist, and got a half done root canal.

              Brought back memories of me getting a half done root canal in a store front window in Dengfeng. Without anesthesia. By some kid who "was good", who looked like he belonged in high school.

              So, I looked in Decheng's mouth, and found his half done root canal. Also found some impacted molars breaking through the surface of his gum line. I started to wonder why the dentist in Dengfeng did a root canal, instead of a wisdom tooth extraction.

              I stopped asking myself these questions a long time ago.

              Off to the dentist. X rays showed impacted wisdom teeth. And a half done root canal. In a tooth which had been eroded away down in the roots, by the misdirected wisdom tooth.

              Off to the oral surgeon. Some anesthesia ("good whiskey", as he fell asleep), and four teeth were removed. Decheng was out of commission for the next week. As was I. On the mend, but still wiped from all the steroids and antihistamines I had been on. Some medication, tons of mashed potatoes (never had mashies before, especially doc mashies), and lots of sleep, and a reprieve from my daily Chinese/English lesson with him, and a week and a half later, he was doing better. As was I.

              Xingwei hurt himself in school one day. Had bad but pain. Had no neurological deficits or paresthesias. Initially, I had figured that he torn his hamstrings, high up where they attach to the pelvis, a typical gong fu injury considering the types of kicks that we do. Two weeks of taking it easy, and his gluteal pain was waxing and waning. I started to wonder why he wasn't getting better.

              Heart and soul, da de da de de, di da da da.... God, I was starting to hate that ****ing music.

              One morning, last week, I found Xingwei on the floor, at my bedroom door. He was in some pretty serious pain. Two weeks after this initially started. I started to doubt my initial diagnosis of torn muscle and started to think more along the lines of herniated lumbar disc. This was just not the typical progression, or appearance now, of a torn muscle.

              So I called my neurosurgeon friend. One of the best in town. Put Xingwei to bed, started him on steroids and muscle relaxants. And later that evening, my neurosurgeon buddy came to the house, and confirmed the diagnosis.

              The three of us were a mess.

              Yo, Yo, Yo....

              But, with time, Xingwei started to slowly get better. To the point where I took him to school, and started him on some back exercises and stretching. With JT.

              Now, just as an aside, (God, I'm still humming that ****ing music to myself...), training with doc and JT at the CWXY is an experience. We jump rope. We stretch. We lift weights. We box. We beat the **** out of each other.

              We turn the music way up.

              Black, gangsta rap music.

              And I bring Decheng. Make him jump rope. Stretch. Lift weights. Box. Don't beat the **** out of him though. JT and I know better.

              And Decheng listens to black gangsta rap music.

              And after we jump rope, stretch, lift weights, box, and beat the **** out of each other, while listening to booming black gangsta rap music in the CWXY, we play football.

              To black gangsta rap music.

              Dance to it too.

              Decheng is good at football. Gets into all this acrobatic roll type of ****. **** that JT and I would never attempt to do. Good at dancing too. Does **** that JT and I would never attempt to do.

              And we have fun.

              Heart and soul, da de da de de, di da da da.... Can't get this ****ing music out of my head.

              Doc is dumb

              Xingwei started to get better, as expected. The steroids I put him on were starting to really take effect. But Kevin didn't believe that Xingwei had a blown disc, so he suggested that we bring Xingwei to a Chinese doctor. Now, of course, I could fully understand that my medical training and experience, and the medical training and experience of Las Vegas' best neurosurgeon, was nothing in comparison to some Chinese acupuncturist, so, I said "Sure. But I'm not paying for it." Didn't think he would either. Putting little needles in Xingwei during a time when getting out of bed to go to the bathroom was a chore, was not going to be productive. In fact, moving him around at this time, was just going to be painful.

              One day, we found Kevin and Xingwei coming back to the house. They had been to the acupuncturist, who did a thorough exam of Xingwei, and made a significant diagnosis. I asked Kevin if Xingwei's qi had been misdirected, which was causing all of his troubles. No, that wasn't it.

              Heart and soul, da de da de de, di da da da....

              Decheng coming out of anesthesia was quite comical. I really wish that I had brought my video camera. Before we had left, to explain what we were intending to do with his four teeth, I got a huge pair of pliers out of the garage, pretended to put them into his mouth, and started pulling. He understood.

              Then I mimicked the same thing, but put my foot on his head while pulling.

              He really understood. Didn't want to go to sleep for it though. Wanted to be awake.

              Just like in China. Memories of my beloved root canal over there came back.

              Heart and soul, da de da de de, di da da da....

              The diagnosis...

              Xingwei's Chinese doctor and acupuncturist told Kevin and Xingwei, that there was nothing wrong with him.

              Xingwei's Chinese doctor and acupuncturist told Kevin and Xingwei, that whatever problem he was having, was because of his change in diet.

              Xingwei's Chinese doctor and acupuncturist gave Kevin and Xingwei pills, to help Xingwei's stomach handle the diet change in the US.

              Now, I never could understand Xingwei's diet change. Xingwei eats the same **** here that he eats in Dengfeng. Look in my damn refrigerator, and you'll see uncovered and unwrapped half eaten dead fish. Tofu. Rice. Unidentifiable veggies. And, come over any morning and smell what he cooks. If you want your sinuses burned out, show up around nine AM.

              Now, if anyone has had a diet change, it's Decheng. Yes, he likes some watery rice mixture with impossible to eat Chinese buns for breakfast. But, he really likes chocolate chip cookies. Chocolate fudge cake. Pretzels. And now, ice water.

              After all those weeks of "he lurr schwei" (drink hot water, he would admonish to me), he now likes ice water.

              And he loves chocolate cake. We go to the supermarket, and I ask him to find "chow ke li", and off he goes. Disappears into the aisles. Eventually comes back with a box of Entennman's Chocolate Fudge cake. A box or two or three of Entennman's Chocolate Chip Cookies.

              And, a huge smile on his face.

              He likes to go shopping with me.

              Heart and soul, da de da de de, di da da da.... I was starting to stumble down the stairs to see who was banging out that damn song on my ex-fiance's piano. My ex-fiance, who, many years ago, made a new profession out of ****ing many of my doctor friends. Should have burned the damn piano many years ago. But, then, I just wouldn't know where to put the damn teddy bears.

              All those years of medical training gone to hell. I called up my neurosurgeon friend, and told him that he should be downright ashamed of himself, for being so ignorant and stupid. How could we possibly think that Xingwei had a herniated nucleus pulposis at L 5, especially when he developed neurlogical sypmtoms, and exhibited classic lumber herniated disc signs? Classic. Textbook signs. How could we possibly think of that? When all it was, all this time, was a bad diet in America.

              And all it had taken to fix, were these pills that this Chinese doctor had given him. Pills, that were identified on the label, as "for itchiness".

              How ****ing stupid we are, I told my neurosurgeon buddy.

              Heart and soul, da de da de de, di da da da....

              God damn you Paul...

              I finally stumbled down the last stair, in my sweats, with glasses hugging my sleepy face. Mickey was behind me. The piano was still going.

              And behind it was Shi De Cheng. With a large, "I found the chocolate cake" look on his face.

              My friend Paul had taught him to play one song on the piano. And Decheng was eventually to practice it for the rest of the day. And the night.


              Not only did Paul wipe out my investments, but now, I've got a perpetual reminder of him, embodied in the spirit of a little monk that lives with me.

              Heart and soul, da de da de de, di da da da.

              Where's the gasoline....
              Experienced Community organizer. Yeah, let's choose him to run the free world. It will be historic. What could possibly go wrong...

              "You're just a jaded cynical mother****er...." Jeffpeg

              (more comments in my User Profile)


              • #22
                Little blue dots

                I couldn't find Decheng for a while.

                It was Saturday night, still is, and it was time to change the water in the fish tank. The fishies were getting slightly pissed. You can tell when you see them swimming on their side, upside down, and **** like that. So, off to the fish tank room, to make salt water, scrub algae, and vacuum the rocks. It takes some time. I left Decheng in front of a computer to practice English.

                When I finally emerged from my Saturday night chore, Decheng was nowhere to be found. After searching for a while, I found him in his room, hiding behind a screen, pulling blue dots off of his socks.

                In fact, he was cutting them off of his socks with a nail clipper.

                I looked at him with a bit of wonder. Really didn't understand what he was doing.

                It was then, that I realized, that I had washed his socks with the blue surgical towels that we get from one of the local hospitals. Blue surgical towels that are used to keep sterile surgical instruments sterile. Blue surgical towels that are used to wipe up blood and tissue.

                Blue surgical towels, that I use as placemats and napkins during dinner at my house.

                But one day, I forgot to wash Decheng's white socks separately from the blue surgical towels. With both monks here, the dishwashers and the washing machine have been getting their share of use.

                Little blue dots of material had embedded themselves all over Decheng's socks.

                Little blue dots of material that I certainly wouldn't have even noticed.

                But Decheng did. And he was bound and determined to cut every damn one of those little blue dots of blue surgical towel fluff material, fluff material that didn't get sucked out of the cloth in the dryer, with a nail clipper.

                Hundreds of dots in each sock.

                I tried to explain to him that we should throw the socks back into the washing machine, and the dryer, and hope that the little blue surgical towel fluffy dots would let go of his socks, and get washed away into the septic tank. Or, at least, blown outside while tumbling head over heels in the dryer.

                Decheng gave me this look of complete distrust. I could see in his eyes, the whole idea that he was going to get his socks back, with yet more little blue fluffs of surgical towel material.

                Distrust or not, I took charge. Took his socks from him. And his underwear. And the socks off his feet.

                All had little blue dots of surgical towel material.

                And off it all went to the washing machine. With a distrustful Decheng wandering behind me. Wondering what this mechanical marvel was going to do to his clothes again.

                Time will tell.
                Experienced Community organizer. Yeah, let's choose him to run the free world. It will be historic. What could possibly go wrong...

                "You're just a jaded cynical mother****er...." Jeffpeg

                (more comments in my User Profile)


                • #23
                  English lessons

                  It was a nice warm sunny afternoon. Both of us, Decheng and I, were sitting out in the backyard, in the sun, for our daily Chinese / English get together. We spend sometimes two hours a day doing English. I would say the word or sentence in Chinese, and he would repeat it in English. If he couldn't get it, I'd tell him the English, and try to explain it to him.

                  "Niu shr".

                  "Niu shr?"

                  "Niu shir... Lady. LAY DEE."

                  More than an ocean,
                  Keeps us apart.
                  I feel a tearing in half of my heart.
                  A walk on the water,
                  Is all that I need.
                  But miracles are not happening.

                  "Yes, niu shr. Lay dee."


                  "Close. Lay dee. Not like any of the women that I've brought home."

                  "Shr me?"

                  "Ah, forget that...."

                  You're not even listening to me.
                  Leaving you ain't easy now,
                  But loving you's the harder part.
                  You never want me for myself,
                  And I've need you right from the very start.
                  Oh, won't you stay an try to:

                  "Ladees and gentmen"

                  "Hey, very good." Where he picks some of this stuff up is beyond me. "Lay dees and gen tle men. Once again."

                  "Ladies and gen tel men".

                  "Hen hau. Very good." He's a quick learner. Decheng is picking up English like a veritable sponge.

                  Now listen to me.
                  I wish that I was wrong,
                  But you don't feel that way.
                  We drift apart with each passing day.
                  You never seem to notice any more.

                  "Laydee". "Laydee shr me?"

                  "Lady is a girl. Like tai tai. Woman. Niu peng yo. You know, girlfriend." OK, so, not like any girlfriend I've had in a while. But, he won't figure that out. He certainly didn't like my last one, for some strange reason. When she dumped me, he was pretty happy. Said we should go out, and I should pick out another one. As if you can get them off the shelves in the supermarket. He picked into the air as if he were shopping, put it in his pocket, and said "Yea, guda. Once again. You have hen duo, many."

                  "Lay dee. Niu shr." I continued with the lesson.

                  "Laydee. Gentleman. Yes, understand."

                  Living in a fantasy,
                  There's never any room to breath.
                  Hoping every waking hour,
                  You'll turn around and say that we can stay.
                  Won't you even try to:

                  "Yes, understand. Laydee. Gentleman. Laydee man. I understand."

                  "Ummm, no. Liang ge, bu san ge (two, not three). Bu shuo 'lady man'"

                  "Gentle man. Lady man. Yes?"

                  "No, no, no lady man. Lady, gentleman. C'est tout." We degenerate into French sometimes, as I've studied it extensively in the past, and he knew a little from his trips over there.

                  "Lady man, no?"

                  "Lady man no."

                  "Lady man shr me?"

                  "Well..." OK, how does one explain a 'lady man' to a monk? I started to think about this. Started to wonder if drawing pictures would help. The whole concept of transsexuals never came up before. Well, I don't even think he knew what a transsexual was, but he got hung up on the "gentleman" thing, and thought that there was a "lady man" thing. OK, there is.

                  How the hell was I going to explain that...

                  "OK, niu shr shr 'lady'; shien sheng shr 'gentleman', jung guo hua bu yo 'lady man'".


                  "No. No lady man. Let's continue...."

                  Give a little heart and soul.
                  Give a little bit of love to grow.
                  Give a little bit of heart and soul.....
                  Heart and soul, da de da de de, di da da da....

                  God damn song.
                  Experienced Community organizer. Yeah, let's choose him to run the free world. It will be historic. What could possibly go wrong...

                  "You're just a jaded cynical mother****er...." Jeffpeg

                  (more comments in my User Profile)


                  • #24
                    lady man...

                    you say lady man is "training same style."

                    it will take some extra doing to explain that man training same style with man is bad, but laydee training same style can be good.
                    "Arhat, I am your father..."
                    -the Dark Lord Cod


                    • #25
                      A trip to the dentist

                      Decheng and I were off to the dentist.

                      I hate going to the dentist. You sit in this uncomfortable chair, have this light shined into your face, and have this but ugly cigarette breath bitch leaning over you with little metal instruments, saying things like "Do you floss?"

                      Of course I don't ****ing floss. Why the hell do you think you're cleaning my miserable teeth now? And do you mind holding your breath for the next hour and a half?

                      Christ, and I'm paying for this.

                      But, today, it didn't matter. I wasn't getting my teeth cleaned.

                      Decheng was. Decheng needed work. Lots of it. He had the typical Chinese monk mouth. Wisdom teeth that weren't extracted. Impacted molars. Destroyed molar roots. Cavities. Gingivitis. Calcium buildup on the teeth roots.

                      And, we needed to get him some dental implants.

                      This was going to be expensive. By early calculations, over eight thousand dollars. My costs, if you know what I mean. But, it didn't matter. By the time he got home to Shaolin, he was going to have the brightest smile in the temple. And, the most expensive.

                      But, it doesn't matter; he's my master, and I've got to take care of him. He was in so much pain when he got here to the US, that he was basically only eating soup. And not hot or spicy soup at that. Mild stuff. And, nothing hard.

                      So, we started the dentist thing. Got his impacted molars removed. Now it was time to get the rest of the teeth cleaned. Get the cavities fixed. And get the implants in.

                      Off we drove to the dentist. And, we drove fast.

                      He likes going fast.

                      On the way, he asked me if I had found a new girlfriend. He most certainly didn't like the old one. Not sure why.

                      All of her body parts were real. And, overly proportional.

                      I liked her.

                      He told me last night to go out and find a new one. Just kind of looked at me, picked at the air, grabbed some imaginary thing, and pulled it back to put it in his pocket. "Niu peng yo. Once again."

                      As if it's that easy. Just go somewhere, point at one, say, "Come here", and bam, she's your new girlfriend.

                      Works with other guys. Doesn't work with me.

                      I usually have to spend lots of money first. And, sometimes beg a little bit.

                      Sometimes I beg alot. Pride? Who needs it.

                      But, got to keep master happy. So, last night, I grabbed Tonyer, and off we went.

                      In search of a new girlfriend.

                      Decheng noticed that I didn't have my cell phone today. As we were driving, zooming in and out of traffic, he started looking around the car for my Siemen's cell phone. The one I always have attached to the power and earpiece attachment.

                      I didn't have it. I lost it.

                      I explained it to him, that it was gone. "Dien hua bye bye.".

                      He couldn't understand why my cell phone went "bye bye". And, I didn't know the word for "lost".

                      Lost. My cell phone was lost.

                      Yes, last night was eventful. Decheng wanted me to find a new girlfriend, so Tonyer and I went to church.

                      It's Las Vegas. That's where you go to get new girlfriends. Church. Kind of like a girlfriend store. With expensive prices. And a ****ty return policy. Don't even think of trading one in for a newer version.

                      It was the usual stuff. Dark, full of vixens whose sole purpose in life is to deprive you of your money.

                      And, they did.

                      Depraved, over-sexed young harlots who rub their hands and bodies up and down every limb and joint of your aching and yearning body, whispering sweet little nothings of desire and lust into your nibbled on little ears, pretending to want you and only you, as they search out their next unsuspecting victim.

                      I love them.

                      And somewhere along the line, I got deprived of my cell phone. Not sure how, but, it ended up outside of my pants pocket. Can't remember what kind of traffic went in and out of my pants pocket, but, the trusty old reliable cell phone was gone.

                      Bye bye.

                      Had to call church. But, I didn't have the number. So, I called old reliable.The phone company I've used for years and years. ATT.

                      I knew from my last phone bill, that they loved me.

                      "Do you have the number for Cheetah's?"

                      "Is it a zoo?"

                      "Uh, no, it's a, umm, club."

                      "A club? What kind of club?"

                      "Well, you find lots of women there.They take your money. And they don't wear many clothes..."


                      Yes, ATT loves me.

                      I eventually got the number, and I called church this morning to see if they found my cell phone. Imagine. Church open in the morning. Imagine what kind of goddesses they've got working at ten o'clock in the morning.

                      Ten o'clock in the morning. Not exactly my best time. Not exactly my most functional time. I was still half asleep.

                      'Hi, I lost my Siemen's cell phone."

                      "Is this a joke?"

                      "Uh, no. I lost it. My Siemen's".

                      "You and everybody else."

                      I didn't quite follow him. But, he seemed like a nice guy, so, I asked him if he could look for it.

                      "Would you mind looking for it?"

                      "Sure. We've got a lot of that down here."

                      "Really? Great. Can you look for mine?"

                      He kind of hesitated. I got the distinct impression that he didn't want to look for my phone.

                      "OK, how about if I come down there and look for mine? I really need it, you know. It's expensive. I want it back."

                      Absolute silence.

                      "Well, let me describe it to you. It's kind of short and stubby, with a little thing on top, gray in color, and fits perfectly in my hand. With a smiley face on...."


                      So much for that phone conversation.

                      I bought a new phone.

                      The evening ended up costing me quite a bit of money.

                      I didn't find a new girlfriend.

                      And Decheng wanted to know why.

                      Life goes on.
                      Experienced Community organizer. Yeah, let's choose him to run the free world. It will be historic. What could possibly go wrong...

                      "You're just a jaded cynical mother****er...." Jeffpeg

                      (more comments in my User Profile)


                      • #26

                        yes !off to church we go!! We get there,doc walks in first,as he always does.the bouncer looks at me,with this look ,then doc looks back and say's "she's with me ,that's the house keep'er".'well we walk in,we are there about a minute,and he see's her! they make eye contact and here she come's.she is very, very pretty ,long thick black hair,big boob's,and weighting about 90lbs...they sit and talk a few hour's. then off they go.'im still sitting in my chair!!he is gone about 2 minutes and this guy walk up,"all of about 24 year's old" can i sit here he say's to me? i said ok .Thinking to my self "why would he want to sit next to me.if he does that no girls are going to come and sit on his lap".he sat down, "and of course asked me ,what happen'ed to my foot?as they all do...i told him the story,then he asked why i was sitting in a place like this by my self!!! well about an hour goes by,and he is still there talking to me,"i didn't have to spend any money" Then doc walk's up!!!! Looks at me ,and laugh's. doc and his little honey sit down. 10 minutes later of she goes.then he says ,'lets go'!so i tell my new friend good bye,and it was nice to meet him,he try to get my number but 'uh' no! (like i have time for a boyfriend)!!!!!!!!! 'ya right". on our drive home among the lost phone topic. i look at him and say,"i get a guy at church for free,and you pay 80.00 dollars,get no date and a lost cell phone."


                        • #27
                          the "monk"

                          well,as most of you know by now,Xing Wei has not been getting out very much,do to his injury!!! He spend's most of his time in his bedroom.Thats were we do english,he does'nt like sitting in the chairs in the kitchen,they still hurt his ass!!! I work hard trying to teach him english,since he has nothing eles to do...... The other night we were going over number's,he looks at me and asked how much does that cost,and he pointed to a hotel,so i told him ,'i think about 60,000 million' "his eyes got big ",he say's "yeah" i said "yeah",he look's at me funny,and say's "That's Bull****".Now, i have no idea were he got that from!!!!!!!last night he learned "are you sure".Everything i said to him all he could say is "are you sure".So english is going good!!! chinese "Happy New Year " is all he talks about ,so i talk to doc,and ask him if we can get chinese tv? Doc does'nt go into Xing Wei's room very often, so he does'nt see him as much as i do....Doc looks at me and say's "thats ----ing great"give him chinese tv and he will never come out of this room"?so i called and got him chinese tv????? We were off to dinner,doc walked down the hallway,so i yelled to him to tell Xing Wei ,to get ready to go,.He looks back at me and say's,"He's you're monk not mine"!!!!!!.Well i guess i deserve that,i didnt think i spoiled him ,but steve made it vety clear to me that,he is a very "spoiled monk!" "Ok" so i rub his sore leg very night,do his laundry,but he helps with that,he like to fight with me over the soap?over who pushes the button............I wash his dishes "Oh My" he has dishes?????????? 2 dishwasher's running everyday!!!!!!You would not want a monk to wash your dishes,No good,Trust Me!!!!!! "Oh I all most forgot" the new word for both monk's is "really ****" meaning 'no good'!!!!


                          • #28
                            Have you no morals Doc, I thought you were stopping them cussin. Is there no escape from your relentlessly corruptive influence…


                            • #29

                              And no.
                              Experienced Community organizer. Yeah, let's choose him to run the free world. It will be historic. What could possibly go wrong...

                              "You're just a jaded cynical mother****er...." Jeffpeg

                              (more comments in my User Profile)


                              • #30

                                well lipster, Doc has morals,Dont mess with him,over morals and cussin,he cant stop me from teaching Xing Wei from saying what ever he wants!!!!!!!! SO DONT MESS WITH US!!!!!!!! OR YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH ME !!!!!!!! I KNOW YOU DONT WANT THAT!!!!!!!!!! THE TONYERNATOR HAS SPOKEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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